"This girl shivers and crawls under the covers with all her clothes on and falls into an overdue library book, a faerie story with rats and marrow and burning curses. The sentances build a fence around her, a Times Roman 10-point baracade, to keep the thorny voices in her head from getting too close."

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

oh! DEAR.

To the deep end. To the hard line.
Hold this trick together, man.
Hold this trick together if you can.
Little fevers wrapped in dedication
All strung out on novelty
Collapse yourself and try to comprehend
An angry island, a bitter bee sting
Severing each artery
To free the self and fix the in-betweens.
Isolation, mark the earth around you
Guess who's on the waiting list
I'll let you in on something secret

I can disappear

Anytime I want to, time I feel you
Shovel through my skin
I am with you til the end

First you breathe out

Then you have to breathe in
Lash yourself repeatedly
Until it sticks, until it sticks
Under the eyelids, carry on cadaver
Festering interiors
All hollow breach and vapor silhouette
Need medication, more medication
Coursing through your inner states
All matter grey confused and counterfeit
Kamikaze, sear the blood inside me
Guess who's got it figured out
I'll let you in on something secret

I can disappear

Anytime I want to, time I feel you
Shovel through my skin
I am with you til the end

And I can decompose

When it suits me I accelerate it
Wicked on all fours,
I surrender to the storm

You'll never know how it feels

You'll never know how it feels
Can you feel it?
Can you feel it?

I can disappear

Anytime I want to, time I feel you
Shovel through my skin
I am with you til the end

I can decompose

When it suits me, I accelerate it
Wicked on all fours,
I surrender to the storm

And I can disappear

Anytime I want to, time I feel you
Shovel through my skin
I am with you til the end
I'm with you til the end

this is my favourite song at the moment.
for many reasons.
and it makes me sad that some people will never know or understand the reasons because they just assume they know me.
but guess what.

if you looked just a bit deeper (if you bothered) you would notice that in life there are hidden truths that lie beneath the surface (thanks Dexter Morgan) and people aren't as shallow as one would like to make them out to be.
but i guess some people just can't handle something a bit deeper...a bit darker.
and hey, maybe next time you will remember to ask "how are you?"
and bother to stick around to hear the answer.


Monday, April 25, 2011

0h! shoes.

i love my mom.
i mean, i have always loved my mom. obviously.
but on sunday...she really went out of her way to spoil me.
i needed a new pair of shoes.
a pair that wouldn't break after a month of wearing them.
a pair that wouldn't let my toes catch a cold after being soaked with rain.
i found a really awesome pair of C1rca...
which were to my dismay...a price that would take me months to save up for.
however, my mom said she would lend me the money and i could go buy them:D
so i did.
but the best part was...after i bought them she said i didn't owe her anything.
and i got a text message saying: "you are worth so much more and you are very precious to me" after i sent her one saying "THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK YOU" :p

so this post goes out to my mom.

thanks mom...i feel awesome when i put on my new shoes.
like a little kid again:)

[myshoes. hehe. matching beanie from the wonderful bearded one]

0h. easter.

"I have never really understood the crucifixion. I mean, yeah, on a superficial level I get it – Jesus dies and we all get a golden ticket, hallelujah, amen. But I can recognize that there are much deeper things going on, yet they are so beyond my own character that I don’t know how to really comprehend them. Here is a line from Romans that exemplifies what I mean: “For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!” (Rom 5:10).

In John’s gospel, we see Jesus calling his disciples “friends,” and he says this, “greater love has no man than this: to lay down one’s life for his friends.” (John 15:13). That makes sense to me. I get why Jesus would let himself be crucified for John and Peter and Thomas – he knew them, they were friends who maybe hadn’t gotten everything right, but they had served alongside him, eaten with him, traveled with him, drank with him. He loved them and knew them and was willing to die for them because they were his friends.

But Jesus also died for me, and he did it while I was still an enemy.

Previously in my life, I have been openly hostile to Jesus and his people. I distinctly remember how in high school, there was this Christian girl who was trying to be nice to me. She was very much a fundamentalist, and, while she was trying to be kind, I was disinterested in her facts and formulas. That in itself is perhaps not wrong, because while I believe her relationship with Jesus is indeed genuine, I don’t know that talking theology at nonbelievers is especially useful. If that’s where this had stopped, I wouldn’t call this a story of enemies. But that’s not where it stopped.

My life back then was unusually difficult, and in this interaction, I saw opportunity. I deliberately twisted her words and repeated the story to most of my friends as though she had condemned me and told me I was going to hell. While I was myself something of a pariah, nobody likes a judgmental religious zealot, and so suddenly, other people were accusing her of this thing that she never really did and siding in my defense. Basically, I slandered someone who was awkwardly trying to tell me about Jesus, and got her in trouble to boost my own status. And of course what you do to Jesus’ people, you do to Jesus.

There are plenty of other hostile things I have done towards him. I once defaced a hotel bible in Ontario by tearing out pages and drawing vulgar pictures on them, mostly because I wanted to show my friends how unafraid of God I was. I could list many more things I’ve said or done against him, but that’s not really the point.

The point is that despite my enmity, Jesus died for me. Willingly.

And it wasn’t an easy death, either. It’s not like Jesus quietly suffocated in his sleep for me. Jesus let himself be beaten, lacerated, worn down with the labor of dragging the cross to Golgotha, and then he was spiked to it in the hot sun. He died with his mom watching. And he did this for his enemies. I know that he did this, but it’s so beyond my own character that I have trouble understanding how he could be so gracious.

Maybe he saw that our hostility is born out of hurt. My past evils were largely based out of a place of insecurity, of not knowing how to feel safe or loved or valued or free. Maybe that’s why Jesus was willing to die for me, maybe he saw that I was ignorant and injured. Maybe mercy is just who he is. Maybe there are reasons we can’t even understand.

Whatever the case, Jesus not only died a bloody painful for me, he reached out to me. I didn’t dance my way into Christianity, nor was I born into it. Instead, he came looking for me. And he did it more than once, because the first time I met him, I ran with him for a little while, but then I let other people fill my life with human laws and worries to a point that I couldn’t even recognize him anymore. Then, after years of atheism, some dabbling in paganism, and an explicit rejection of him, he came back to rescue me a second time. How crazy is that? Not only was he willing to make peace with me after I attacked him and his friends, but he deliberately sought me out. Twice! Who else does that?

And it doesn’t end there. It gets better. I was his enemy. I antagonized his friends. At times, I quite eloquently argued against the credibility of his character or against even the existence of a Creator. Yet Jesus died for me, he reconciled me with a Creator who I thought didn’t exist, and then he filled my life with the same Spirit that raised him from the dead. I have access to… well, to omnipotence. Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not claiming that I’m omnipotent. But logically, if my spirit has been merged with his Spirit, and that Spirit is the same one who performs miracles, then he has given me at least the ability to talk to someone who can do absolutely anything. So its not like I can walk outside and make the sun stop in the sky, but I live with one who can. That’s so crazy I’m a little afraid to even say it.

What a sacrifice he made. He died, and I, though I had lived in bitterness, I found an entirely different life waiting for me, though I did nothing to deserve such a gift. Even now, every week, I find he is chiseling away some old damaged part of me and replacing it with something better, reshaping and restoring who I am. All because he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death – even death on a cross (Phil 2:8). And after he paid such a sacrifice, he came alive again. He seeks us out, forgives us, and then gives us everything. I don’t even know what words could possibly describe that kind of mercy and generosity, because everything I try to say about it sounds cheap next to the majesty of what it really is, or more properly, of who he really is. Hallelujah that he is who he is, and hallelujah that he was willing to die that I might live. And hallelujah that he lives again and that someday I will get to thank him face to face."

- Andrew Monteith/The Anchor Fellowship


Saturday, April 9, 2011

oh. photodump.

[happiness is only real when shared]

*footnote--->the photos where my hair is darker are the latest:)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Oh...cannot wait.

this makes me so happy.
i absolutely adore the australian actress, emily browning.
remember her? she played violet in "lemony snicket's a series of unfortunate events"
and she also played anna in "the uninvited" (another favourite movie of mine)
as you can see...i am really excited that she is playing babydoll in...SUCKER PUNCH.
can't wait till it comes out here.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

oh! winona.

i kinda adore her.
she is awesome in all ways.
and even though i have watched Girl, Interrupted a hundred times...i never get bored.
actually, almost any movie she acts in i never get bored.
it can be the crappest movie, but just because she is lovely to look at and she has a lovely voice...that is enough to keep me intrigued.
anywho, enough of this strange talk (if you don't know me personally you might think this is odd).
i came across these AWESOME photos of Winona Ryder and if you are a fan and haven't seen them, i thought you just had to.

i love the style she has in Girl, Interrupted.
from the hair *lovelovelove* to the clothes *thefirstphoto=want in my wardrobe*

so there you have it.
my celebrity crush of the month of march (and every other month),
the lovely Miss Winona Ryder.
(i think i know only one other person who likes her as much as i do....<3)

Oh! typical.

maybe i'm getting old.
but seriously?
national cleavage day?
and wait for it...upload your facebook profile photo to a picture of your cleavage?
can one get more tacky than that?
where i go to college one would think it's national cleavage day everyday...did i mention there are only girls in my class?
so unless you are gay, nobody else actually wants to see another girls wobbly balloon (or wilted balloon) bits bobbing around.
then the best was seeing "boys" (and I call them boys because I believe real men aren't so...animal like) saying things like, "oh yeah dude, booooobies! this is like the best day ever".
i almost saw my breakfast again.
i really am starting to believe that my boyfriend isn't from this planet. haha.
it's about as bad as those boys who wear t-shirts that say things like, "from myspace to my place" and "buck fuddy" and so on *cringes*...no they are not cool.
and how are you ever going to get a decent girl to like you if you keeping wearing t-shirts with moronic slogans.
and to conclude my rant...most annoying thing ever?
conversations between 20-something year old college students that go something like this:
"bruuuuu, I got so wasted last night!"
"yeah totally, that 6 pack of beer was like...awesome dude!"
"hahaha *drool*"
"i got so wasted man, i couldn't even find my car keys"
"duuuuuude! lets do it again this weekend because we have like, no life outside getting wasted and scoring with whatever plankton drifts past"

i just have to breathe and think, "one more year jade...one more year".

sorry...i just needed to get that out my system.